Collective grief

Sharing sadness shapes a culture.

Almost everyone has been to a funeral or have felt some kind of loss. We have posted about a celebrity we admired or have even gone to a vigil for them. We have gone to a funeral of a distant relative we barely knew, and if you’re like me, you felt sad but mostly awkward or guilty because you perhaps didn’t feel as devastated as the people around you. Of course, the worst of all is when that person you have lost is someone very close to you, maybe the person you loved most, which makes you feel completely crushed and empty at the same time. That kind of loss can change your life because you lose more than just the person.It also dramatically alters the way your life functions day-to-day. You have lost the life you had and future you thought you knew. 

Grief is an interesting phenomenon, both universal and unique to each person. But it doesn’t take death to make us feel this kind of loss and grief that comes with it. Dr. Ajita Robinson, a grief and trauma expert and therapist, says that grief can be felt as a result of any major loss such as our previous way of life, and that our ideas for the immediate and long-term future and things like a loss of stability, routine, income, control are known as symbolic grief.  But our body doesn’t know the difference between loss through death and symbolic grief, and this grief work can manifest both psychologically and physically, regardless of the trigger. Recent studies show that things like moving and changing schools can cause children to experience grief. Online counseling website Thriveworks.com reveals, “Kids who have moved five or more times during their childhood are three times as likely to experience mental health problems compared to those who stay in their hometowns.” What we are learning is that the symptoms of grief can be caused by many things and are so much more complex than we once originally thought.

With the advent of the internet and social media, we are experiencing collective grief in a greater variety of ways. Predominantly the indigenous communities, people of color and the LGBTQ community can now shine a better light on the atrocities they experience. For these communities, collective grief is commonplace, but in 2020 it seems to have become a part of everyday life for everyone else. With a global pandemic and stay at home orders in place, we all lost our sense of normalcy. Many of us have lost people we loved, but the loss was either overshadowed or magnified with the increasing numbers of the dead. On top of this, many of us were not allowed to grieve by attending funerals and memorial services, given that large public gatherings have been prohibited.

Companionship is something we tend to seek out just as human beings, but it is something we need most when we are in pain. In her article “The Power of Public Grief,” Melody Warnick explores how “when tragedy hits where you live, communal mourning helps you heal.” Warnick talks about how experiencing trauma together bonds people and how we look for those bonds in public gatherings honoring the event or tragedy. So what do we do now when these gatherings are limited or altogether not allowed?   

Another way we experience collective grief is when someone in the public eye dies. Fans share pictures, news articles, and favorite memories to express the sadness and loss they feel. Often our social media can get flooded with these images and posts, making us feel a sense of loss for people we previously didn’t know much about. From Rocky Johnson and Kobe Bryant to Naya Rivera, Chadwick Boseman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, this year communities lost iconic and inspiring figures. The weight of their losses feels even more heavy in conjunction with a global pandemic and the amount of civil unrest going on this year.

It is in our experience with celebrity losses that we find the answer to collective grieving and being unable to mourn like usual and we have been doing it since the beginning of social media. Celebrity deaths bring people together from miles apart and we are using it now for those we are losing that are closest to us. Because of this we are actually connecting with more people than ever and finding strength and solidarity with each other. Sure, many have ignored city and state ordinances and still gather to mourn those we have lost and even to call for justice for those who can no longer speak for themselves. Others have used the internet and social media to come together.

I have seen small gatherings that are then live streamed for those who are safer at home or who are just unable to attend and other gatherings that are done only online for the safety and convenience of all. Obviously, many don’t get the same sense of connection from seeing each other online as they would in person, but for the meantime getting ourselves to check in with each other remotely is better than nothing and for some even more convenient. Embrace these new ways of connecting with people and find what helps you feel supported. 

I am going to end this with words you probably all have heard before. You are not alone in your grief. We are all grieving right now, whether it’s the loss of a person or just our pre-COVID way of life. But even in our darkest, loneliest times, there is always someone who wants to help. And I know from experience that this seeking help in itself can take an enormous amount of strength. So I ask you to continue to be strong. Reach out to someone you trust, therapist, counselor, or anonymously through a help line. There is no shame in needing someone because we all need someone.   

Infographic by Stephanie Nicosia