Red Flags

Words are very powerful. They have the ability to brighten one’s mood, outlook, beliefs and much more. But words can also destroy all those things plus one’s ability to see life clearly. This is when you have to pay attention to your gut, to those nagging feelings that something isn’t right. 

When I was young, I was taught the rhyme “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”  and I believed this wholeheartedly. But as I grew I realized this was a lie. Sometimes words hurt more than anything physical. I remember being teased about my wild hair in kindergarten by a boy I liked. My mom told me that he teased me because he liked me. At that moment it made perfect sense. Unknowingly this gave me a tainted frame to look through, a reason to excuse bad behavior under the guise of puppy love. I’ve always considered myself a strong woman, I was raised by strong women and surrounded myself with them, but one day I forgot about all of that and I went completely in the other direction.

I was lonely. I am a serial monogamist and do better when I have a partner. I was already in a low place having been dumped by someone I really cared for. He wasn’t ready to add dad to the title of boyfriend as I had a child from my previous marriage, so we went our separate ways. I didn’t give myself time to heal, to pick myself up from the lowly depths of despair. Instead, I decided to show him that I was worthy of love and that there was someone out there who wanted to be in my life and my daughter’s life. This is where I went wrong. 

I met someone very quickly and everything seemed to happen in the blink of an eye: red flag number one. Less than a month into this relationship, we all moved in together playing house, white picket fence and all. We combined our kids, which brought along its own set of issues, but they were only all together on the weekends. During this time I did something as a mother that I never foresaw myself doing. I let my daughter go. She didn’t want to be part of the family I created for her and I willingly let her go. That was red flag number 2. I began to detach for everyone: my family, my friends, work acquaintances.I let him consume all of me and my time.

I allowed myself to be manipulated because it was easier than having to own up to the fact that maybe this relationship was toxic. At this point, the red flags were flying left and right but I remained blinded by my determination to create this perfect family that I so longed for. He verbally abused me in front of his kids and I allowed it. He apologized and made promises that it was a one-time thing and I believed him. But, looking back, I realized that often these behaviors aren’t one-time actions.They don’t just pop up out of nowhere; they are deep-rooted in a person. It wasn’t the first time or the last time I experienced abuse at his hands, and sadly this is one of the things that my daughter still remembers vividly. 

For the most part, my family was standoffish towards him. They could see what I could not.They warned me but I took that as them trying to break up my happy life. He played into this, whispering that they didn’t see me for the woman I had become, that they were trying to hold me back, that I didn’t matter to them and I agreed. I allowed this to drive a wedge between my family and me. 

But it was different with his family and me. They welcomed me in like I was some kind of savior for  their youngest son. I usually have an easy time with people, but they were overly welcoming. They shared how terrible his ex wife was. They made her into a monster and that I was the savior to not only him but his children. I wouldn’t learn till much later how wrong they all were and that I should have never allowed their views to taint mine.

We go through life meeting people. Some of those people we take on to be friends. We trust them with our secrets, share our dreams for the future, rant to them. Basically, they have access to who we are at our core. My friends tried over and over to warn me, and after all the years of being together, you would think I would at least hear them out, but I didn’t. We have been through a lot together. We formed our friendship at the very beginning of high school and have managed to stay together to this very day. But for a while, I left them. I let my boyfriend convince me that they were doing fine without me. I often missed them but he would say things like if they missed you they would invite you places. This is true, and they did at first try to include me, but after I turned them down so many times, they stopped asking. It was just the way he planted seeds in my mind that they didn’t care. It was like a poison which took over and I pulled away. 

Another huge red flag for me was that he didn’t have any friends of his own. This bothered me, but when I would bring it up, he said that his ex-wife got all the friends in the divorce, so I let it slide. He told me that he didn’t need friends because he had me, that I was his best friend and I was all he needed. I saw someone who was broken and needed to be fixed. He wanted my full attention and I gave him that. 

I lost myself in this relationship. I forgot who I was, I pushed away from family and friends and basically was living this perfect dream life in my head while in reality, everything was falling apart around me. Our relationship started to crumble, the kids fought, we fought, every day seemed like it would be the last and for some reason when he suggested we have a baby I said yes. Like bringing a baby would be the Band-aid to all of the bleeding wounds and we would magically make everything right. 

I wasn’t 100 percent on board to have another child with another man. But I also wanted a child that didn’t have to go back and forth between parents every other week. I was sold on the dream of “yours, mine and ours” and even sent out a pregnancy announcement with those very words. This, I feel, was the beginning of the end. He convinced me that this would make everything better. We moved about an hour away from my immediate family and friends, further isolating me. We fought more and more. Once it was so bad that I just wanted to go home to my mom. I tried to get my things to leave and he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed, not allowing me to leave. I slapped him, and he apologized profusely. He reminded me that this baby would be our chance to make right all the wrongs we imposed on our first children. So I stayed. 

He became more distant. I blamed it on his work, his terrible boss, and the fact that his younger sister was dying from cancer. I tried to take care of him, but it was draining. I was carrying a baby and that was where my attention went. His went elsewhere. We both sunk into separate depressions although we were never diagnosed. We started to drift even further apart, and then I gave birth three weeks early, probably due to stress. My little guy needed to be in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for five days after I was discharged. I was there from dusk till dawn and he came a few times, citing he was tired. I finally began to notice the red flags that had been there all along. 

We all have cracks, small things that once touched shoot forward and break. His sister died, and that is when we fully broke. Something inside of him shattered, and he became someone I didn’t even recognize. He would tell me about the women at work who would swoon over pictures of him and the baby. His energy was manic and unhinged whereas I was suffering from postpartum depression. I felt like a failure in every way possible. The baby had colic and needed to constantly be held; it was the only way he didn’t scream. I let the chores go, I didn’t take care of myself, and this added more stress to the situation. 

This carried on for a few months. He started being secretive, always on his phone, coming home late. I had my suspicions but it wasn’t until his mom made a joke about checking in on him to make sure he wasn’t cheating while I was away visiting my mom that it all clicked. Everything made sense and I lost it. I watched him, I tracked our car, and then I realized that his phone was hooked up to our iPad and he hadn’t changed the password. It was then I saw everything he had been up to. In my rage and fury, I sent the photos I found to his mom. She was distraught to say the least. But at that moment it was the only thing I felt I could do to hurt him as he hurt me. He was always very close to his mom. Was it wrong to lash out on his loved ones? Possibly but is there a definitive right and wrong way to heal? 

All I knew was that in that moment I was done with everything that I had to endure and also put my daughter through for nothing. Almost five years of my life I had devoted to this man, I pushed away everyone in my life including my daughter to be with him and in the end it didn’t even matter. I wallowed in self-pity. Why me? What now? I had wasted all that time and now I was attached to this guy for a lifetime because we shared a kid. Not only did I have two kids but they had two different fathers. There’s a stigma attached to that and now it was attached to me. I was embarrassed. I looked back to the very first fight we had and I wished that I would have walked away. It was then that I realized if a person could put you down in front of their kids that the boundaries would always be blurred or even nonexistent. 

Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize. We as a society have been conditioned to think a certain way; that if the bruises can’t be seen then they don’t exist. We allow these toxic thoughts and beliefs. We do so because it’s so familiar to us. For most, it starts at a young age. At times the perpetrator isn’t even aware that they are being abusive, as it’s a learned behavior. It may be generational but is not in tune with the current generation. Emotional abuse is the same as physical as it’s centered around taking control and intending harm. 

Many young women grow up being told to watch what they eat, to exercise, how to dress, sit, stand, breathe –basically everything and anything has its own rule. Rules, criticism, or comments are not necessarily a bad thing if the intent is to help guide someone to be better or to educate. Creative criticism, social or familial influence can be a healthy back and forth for how to navigate through life. However, when those criticisms become unkind, are unsolicited and with the intent to hurt the individual in order to elicit a change, that is when it becomes abusive. 

There are always red flags, gut feelings, even people who can see what you can’t or don’t want to see. If you feel that you are in a similar situation to what I’ve been through, that’s the first step to making change. If your friend or family member is experiencing this do your best to be there and help if you can, but also be aware of your own boundaries. Take time to know yourself, know what you are willing to accept and where you draw your line. Don’t dwell on the time that you have invested if you aren’t happy. And don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and when you know things aren’t right. 

In retrospect I can say those years were not in vain. I learned a lot about myself, but more so who I wanted to be. I allowed someone to take everything I was willing to give with only pretty words in return. During my healing process, I had to dig deep and see me for who I was. I had to make amends with everyone and luckily for me they were there with open arms. This was surprising as I had pushed them away for so long. I found catharsis through writing. I let all of it seep out of me, I expelled all the toxicity through blogging and in turn healed myself.

It has now been seven years since I walked away from that man. My life has totally changed. I have never been closer to my family and friends. I couldn’t imagine going through this pandemic without them. I’m married to the most amazing guy who is the complete opposite of anyone I’ve ever dated. There were zero red flags, quite the opposite to be honest. My family and friends loved and accepted him almost immediately which was very important considering what I had been through in previous relationships. I wanted to make sure that he fit into my life, that he complimented not complicated it. I took my time with him and got to know him, I watched how he interacted with my kids and in turn how my kids responded to him. We’ve been together for five years now and of course we have had arguments and disagreements but never have I felt unsafe, manipulated or that I wasn’t being true to myself. 

Resources:

You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741741. 

https://www.cpedv.org/domestic-violence-organizations-california