Hitting the Mother-Lode: Returning To College After 20 Years & 5 Children
It’s important to take time to appreciate everything a mother will do to create a better life for herself and her children. For Lissa Bilau, that meant coming back to school after more than twenty years of being a stay-at-home mom to four sons and a daughter, ranging from ages 7 to 21.
At eighteen years old, just out of high school, Bilau enrolled as a freshman at UC Riverside with no financial aid to speak of. She struggled with short term loans, working full time alongside her classes. However, her educational path was put on an indefinite hiatus when she met her first husband, dropping out so the two could settle down.
That marriage ended in 1997, just after the birth of her second son, Dominic. Two years later, Bilau married again, having three more children.
During the process of her second divorce, Bilau made a life changing decision to return to school. “I realized that kids grow up and then you’re just left with… what? I didn’t have a degree,” Bilau said.
“It sparked me a bit to have this awakening where I said, ‘Hey, I gotta do something, because what’s going to happen to me if I’m not able to support myself?’”
And so, working part-time graveyard shifts at various hotels for supplemental income – as she had done since 1989 in order to be home during the day for her children – Bilau enrolled at Citrus College in 2013.
Now going through her second divorce, Bilau feels that the college experience provides her with, if not a social life, a healthy distraction from her current situation at home.
“It is something I see as very selfish, as something I’m taking for myself. Something I should have done when I was 18, but didn’t,” Bilau said.
The desire to pursue an education is nothing new for Bilau. Born in Liverpool, England, then relocated to Cape Town, South Africa at the age of five due to the lack of available jobs at the time, she was part of a family that didn’t particularly emphasize the importance of education.
She was brought up with the impression that she wouldn’t need a college education because she would marry a man who would provide for her. Whenever she would express an interest in learning how to perform everyday tasks such as car repair, her parents would assure her that she wouldn’t need to, as she would marry a man who would perform those tasks for her. As it turned out Bilau ended up having to fend for herself and do a lot on her own.
“I married two people and I did everything,” Bilau said. “I did all the plumbing work, I did the building and the patios, I did everything in the house. Absolutely everything. It was me.”
When it came to education, even as a child, Bilau was the one to take control of her own experience.
“My parents provided for me, but they never really encouraged education. I don’t think they ever attended a parent/teacher conference.”, Bilau explained. Neither of her parents had gone to school, or had degrees of their own, leaving Bilau to pursue her goals without any assistance. Incidentally, her two older brothers were able to graduate college with degrees without derailment.
“[My parents] thought I would just marry and be taken care of. And I don’t want my daughter to do that. I think that’s just bad,” Bilau said. “Girls and boys should be raised equally to get an education first and then [marriage] should be something afterwards.”
“I want to show to my daughter that you have to take care of yourself before you connect with someone and build a life with them,” Bilau said.
“She is always writing me letters of encouragement, and she’s only eleven,” she adds proudly. “I’m full steam ahead because of my kids. I live for my kids.”
Full steam ahead certainly seems like an apt description. Bilau’s son Dominic Vigil, 18, wholeheartedly supports his mother’s pursuit of furthering her education, while understandably concerned for her wellbeing. “My mom is working so hard that she hardly ever gets any sleep,” he said. “Not many human beings can be a mom, graveyard shift employee, and a full time student all at once. It baffles me how she does it.”
“She is doing it for good reasons because she loves her children and wants the best for both herself and us,” he added.
Bilau expressed a desire to be healthier, but confesses that it can be difficult to take care of herself with everything else on her plate. “On the days that I work, I may sleep about two hours,” she admitted.
Wednesdays, she says, are particularly difficult. With classes and a graveyard shift and a full day of lectures and then driving four of her children to and from school, each right after the other, there are some days Bilau finds she doesn’t sleep at all.
Since 1989, Bilau has worked graveyard shifts at hotels as she raised her children. Now she worries it’s beginning to take its toll.
“That’s why I’m a little quirky, a little weird. I went gray really fast,” Bilau laughed, referring to her hair. “Sleeping is a priority sometime soon,” she joked. “I’m working on that.”
Though she originally intended to study mortuary science and become a mortician, Bilau quickly realized that that might not be the right path for her. “I started thinking that in ten years, I’m not going to be able to lift 150 pounds, and I don’t want to smell like death,” she said. “I thought, ‘Well, maybe I’ll just change majors. Maybe I’ll help the living.’”
And so, instead of focusing on people who have died, Bilau decided to turn her attention to helping those who were alive. She began pursuing a psychology/sociology major alongside her son Dominic, who also attends Citrus as a recording arts major.
In fact, she has seen many familiar faces around campus. “I’m in classes with kids that went to school with my 21-year-old when they were in elementary school. There’s a kid in my sociology class that graduated with my 18 year old,” Bilau said.
“I see kids I helped in kindergarten taking the same classes. It’s an incredible feeling, and it’s fun.”
Bilau was also quite surprised to discover not only that she could survive as a college student, but that she would thrive in the environment.
“I was actually amazed at the fact that I could go to school and could still learn,” she said. “I didn’t think my brain worked anymore after having so many kids. I thought all my intelligence from high school days was gone and there was no possible way I could study and get good grades or do anything, but I just fell in love with it.”
Bilau found that her skills as a mother enhanced her ability to be a good student, rather than detract from it. Her multitasking especially came in handy, although she admits that group projects are a bit of a weakness, and not just for the obvious differences in schedules.
“The mother in me wants to take it all and just do it, just like I do at home,” she said. “So in group projects, I tend to try and do everything.
Besides the horror of group projects, Bilau loves pursuing her education at Citrus.
“I actually don’t want to leave,” she admits. “I want to stay here, I like it so much,” she said.
Bilau has also discovered a love of the child development program. She hopes to work in a school district as a paraeducator (a school employee who works under the supervision of teachers or other professional practitioners) a couple times a week while she continues to pursue her degree. That way she is still available after to school to pick up and take care of her children.
“Learning is a lot of fun,” she said. “I know it’s silly, but it’s really, really fun. Your brain starts to slow down when you get older. You need to keep working on it.”
Not only does Bilau love being a student, she excels at it. Qualified for honor roll and consistently on the Dean’s list, she is proving to be a model student. “I feel like if I don’t get an A, then it wasn’t worth it. With all the sacrifices I make, if I don’t get good grades, then why was I here?” Bilau said. “If I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it right.”
“I love how the professors appreciate the older students, because we’re not forced to come here,” she said. “We come on our own. We’re here for a reason and we don’t have time to waste. We’re here for a purpose.”
Bilau plans to graduate and transfer next year to Pitzer College, a part of the Claremont Colleges. Pitzer has a New Resources program, geared towards students like herself who have not yet received a Bachelor’s degree nor followed the path of a traditional four year college student.
Naturally, she does still harbor some worries about the future. “I probably will not receive child support or alimony,” she explains, “so I’m working twice a week and getting financial aid, and it’s kind of hard. I’m worried about going to a four-year college and how I’m going to pay for that.”
Despite her fears, Bilau is an advocate for mothers to return to school after having kids. “We’re specially trained,” she said. “You think maybe as a mom that you just can’t go back and you don’t have the brain capacity to think about stuff, but it’s very enjoyable.”
“People like to tell their moms that ‘you’re the best mom ever’ just for the sake of saying it,” said Dominic. “But I really do mean it when I say nobody could have raised me better. She has always been there with utmost respect and loving care. Her support means everything to me.”
